well.. wanted 2 post tis fer veri long le.. but juz i have no time 2 type.. but before proceeding i wanna say is....
*~whoever is reading this.. sorry if i offended u...~*
okay.. first.. i wan 2 say abt.. wat?... ok.. i will say abt frenz ard me... yesh.. i realli have mani frenz ard me.. but sumtimes i feel tat i am a jerk.. why?~ coz i kind of neglect sum of my frenz.. why?~ coz i tend 2 get too busy with my orchestra thingy n sutffs.. which leads 2 mani times i onli realli hang out with certain grp out ppl.. tat explains why i prefer going co room den hanging our with clzmates.. ok.. i shall touch abt clzmates later...
secondly.. i am truely.. nt veri happy wat is happening nw.. i duno why.. say i am sensitive.. say i am jealous... or juz say tat i am a fake person.. ok.. i admit.... i truely duno hw 2 be a real gd fren... be there fer u whenever u need me? be there when onli u need a listening ear n yet i am nt listening 2 wat de heck u are tokin... n acting as if i care... ? or izzit listening 2 u complaining n yet i have no complains.. frankly speaking.. i am 1 who is selective at topics i wanna tok.. yesh.. i am a freak.. tats why i tend 2 have frenz tat will in de end hate me.. ok.. str8 2 de pt.. i am mean.. yesh i admit.. i am sum1 who tok real str8... i dun mind ppl tokin str8 into my face.. but i seriously cannot take it when it is frm sum1 i love or even sum 1 i respect... my tears juz cant seems 2 be control when i am being reprimanded by sum1 i love/respect... i admit i am a veri proud person.. ok.. so?~ i am proud of myself..... u mean i cant be proud of myself? maybe coz i am over confidence abt myself.. ok.. i dun care... n i dunwan 2 care... seriously.. i admit.. i blocked a few frenz frm msn.. why?! coz i sumtimes realli dun feel like toking 2 a few... which cause me 2 do this..
next.. let me talk abt my church frenz.. yesh i admit.. they are real gd ppl.. but sumtimes i wonder.. are they nice 2 me coz they have 2? coz they have 2 obey de commandments of God.. i have always acting nice 2 sum1 but yet in my heart.. i am so disgusted by tat person n myself... why?! *if u are my cgm n reading this.. i wanna apologise u 2 all first... * sumtimes.. i feel so fake.. in me.. i am realli.. thinking of leaving church.. nt tat i dun love God.. i do love Him... i dun deny tat He is realli a faithful God.. but i feel tired... going 2 church n cell grp wks aftr wks n yet i seems so dead.. be it praying or bible readin.. i am nt veri faithful doing it.. i duno.. and i have alot of other commitments n nw.. persecution frm my parents... fer commitments... i have my sch.. i have spco.. i have my co outside... these 3 things.. i admit... is sumtings tat i will nv ever let go... they are my dreams... be a chemist.. be sum1 who can excel in co.. be a professional player in co... i am lost.. dun ask me why.. i realli duno... dun tok 2me abt this.. i simply dunwan 2 discuss this issue with anibody... i am juz saying out juz 2 release my anger n tinkings.... be it u are my cgm or christian frenz... i know.. a few of u are reading my blog... treat it as u duno it... i hate it when sum1 read my blog n start go ard telling ppl things n start scolding me when u dun even know exactly hw i feel..!!! why have i becum so worldly? i simply duno.. perharps is de temptation.. perharps is de things tat i cant let go off.. so whoever reading.. pls understand wat i am trying 2 explain!!!
nw.. abt my clz.. i have mentioned b4.. i have a few close frenz in clz.. ppl like Felisia, Angie, YuXing, Huijie.. de 5 of us are always 2gtr... but.. things started changing when i start 2 drift away when things turn sour between me n Yuxing tat time after de clz thingy.. though nw all de things are cleared.. but i have realise.. de frenship between de 5of us is gone... i simply cant seems 2 click with them.. why?~ maybe coz of de topics tat they tok.. i simply cant get myself interested in.. fer Yuxing.. although i can see tat she is realli trying veri hard 2 be nice n realli share her stuffs with me.. but still i feel tat gap between de 2 of us.. i simply duno why... izzit tat i have this barrel in my heart coz of wat have happen b4? i duno.. nw in clz.. i have nt been with de 4 of them animore.. it is like as if we had a veri big fight b4.. i dun deny.. i have sum dislikes abt Angie's n Huijie's attitude.. but still they are my frenz.. wat can i do.. ok.. den nw.. seeing the 4 of them so close 2each other.. de jealously in me seems 2 grow.. i duno why... perharps it is man's nature.. i duno..*yuxing.. i know u are reading my blog... so wanna apologise 2 u first* ok.. den though nw i am hanging out more with Ruru they all.. but still i feel tat me.. i am juz so fake.. unable 2 click with the previous ppl le... den cum n click 2 another grp... i realli feel so fake in me lo... this explains why i seems so unhappy n yet i am putting up a smiley face... i hate de fake me.. that freaking disgusting feeling is back lo.. i hate tat.....
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